Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a darn good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.

Anonymous.

BASIC LEVEL - Dressage Test

A  Enter extraordinary serpentine.
X  Halt.
G  Try again.
C  Freeze in horror at Judge's stand. Take opportunity to salute hurriedly.
C  Track to left in counterflexed bolt.
E  Irregular polyhedron left, 20 meters, plus or minus 5 meters.
FXH  Change rein unextended jig.
H  Canter, or counter canter, or crosscanter.
M-F  Working out-of-hand gallop.
A  Just try to walk.
KXM  Tesseract, stopping at each corner to rub nose on foreleg.
C  Down center line, working trot bouncing.
X  Pulley rein. Halt. Salute, exhale.
Leave arena in free walk, loose language under breath.

Thank you to Pamela for submitting the above.

Heaven or Hell

A man was riding his horse down a road, his dog padding along by their side. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that his horse and dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He nudged the horse toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friends," gesturing downward towards his horse and dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept animals."

The man thought a moment and then turned his horse back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friends here?" the traveler asked.
"There should be a bowl and a bucket by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl and a bucket beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then gave some to the dog while he filled the bucket for his horse. When they all were satisfied, he led his horse back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them, the dog following faithfully behind.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

Thank you to Claudia for submitting the above.

Horse list of New Year's Resolutions

1. I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can
2. I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
3. I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
4. My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to pee.
5. I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
6. I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
7. I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
8. I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
9. I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
10. I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just because it's there.
11. I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
12. I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
13. I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
14. I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within 1 mile radius.
15. I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
16. I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
17. I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while my human is mucking my stall.
18. I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
19. I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
20. I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
21. I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
22. I am NOT a Shin'a'in Battle steed. I will not act like one.
23. I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
24. I accept that not every carrot is for me.
25. I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
26. I will NOT jump in the air, turn 180 degrees every time I see a deer.
27. I will understand that deer are NOT carnivorous.
28. I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
29. I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
30. I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.

Thank you to Pamela for submitting the above.

Looney Laws

Believe it or not, this law is real!
"It's illegal to ride an ugly horse down the street in Wilbur, Washington"

Horse advertisements ?

***This is a REAL ad that was sent to me. I have never seen anything more odd. I thought that when a guy asked if a horse had been "Cogged" (I guess for a coggins)that was the best. This takes the cake--maybe the whole cakewalk!

I have a 1 year old greenwing macaw that is very tame and talks comes with a large macaw cage to trade for a horse.
If interested please e-mail
submitted by Jefcoat, Samuel H.

You know You're a Horse Person When.....

You pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,700 pickup truck.

You're seriously considering an even trade of your 1998 Buick for a 1986 Diesel crewcab dually pickup truck.

You dress like a lawyer on weekdays, and someone who needs a lawyer on your days off.

You plan your pregnancy around the show season so you can send your horse to the trainer during the eighth and ninth months.

You buy duct tape by the case, and carry a roll in your pocketbook, your briefcase, and the console of your car.

You realize that finding a horse shoe truly is lucky because you've saved ten bucks.

You have saved five old left mud boots "just in case", and another right one has sprung a leak.

You'll drive an hour in a snowstorm to ride your horse, but God forbid you have to drive 5 minutes to the store to buy groceries.

When your six year old tells everyone that he's going to be the "ring steward" at your aunt's wedding!

Your friends no longer ask to get together with you on a weekend afternoon because they know you'll say -- "I can't, I have a show/penning/rodeo/trail ride."

You consider a pristine golf course as a waste of good pasture land.

Every time you drive past a construction site, you think how you could use all that lumber at the barn!

After arriving at the barn and finding the sprinklers on in the indoor arena, you go ahead and ride in it anyway. What's a little indoor "rain"?

Your horse gets new shoes more often than you. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse complains that you love your horse more then you love him/her and you answer: "And your point is?"

Your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse does something nice for you, and you say "good boy/girl" and pat him/her on the neck.

You're trying to pass someone in a crowded hallway and instead of saying "excuse me" to him/her, you cluck at them instead.

You meet a business associate for a breakfast meeting and they reach over the breakfast table to pick alfalfa out of your hair.

No one wants to ride in your car because they'll get sweet feed and hay all over their clothes...But hey, that's OK!! You'd have to rearrange all the tack to make room for them anyway!

You are totally grossed out by human hair in the sink or tub, but don't mind horse hair in your washer, on your clothes, in your food...

You don't mind throwing the frozen manure balls for the barn dog to fetch!

Your first stop in the office is the men's/lady's room to remove the shavings from your shoes.

The non-horsy guy/gal you just started dating gives you a funny look after glancing into the back seat of your car, and you realize your whips and spurs have been noticed.

Your kids run through the house and you tell them to whoa.

Your car trunk acts as an auxiliary tack box.

You see the vet more than you see your child's pediatrician.

The doctor says the bump on your finger is an inflamed tendon sheath, and you tell him, "Oh, you mean a windpuff."

You cannot imagine why anyone would think it kinky to own whips.

You yell at the kids, and the horse's name pops out.

On rainy days, you organize the tack room, not the house.

Books and movies are ruined for you if horsemanship references are incorrect.

You actually get to a point where flies don't bother you so much.

You've considered moving into the barn, since it is cleaner than the house.

Your horse seems the right choice when you need to talk something out with someone.

You often sneak furtively into Laundromats and pretend that you really didn't just put that stinky, filthy horse blanket into the comforter-sized machine.

You plan corn on the cob for dinner just so you can feed the cobs to your horses for a treat.

You have more pictures of your horses in your office than you have of your family.

You can find your boots in the dark by the aroma.

You drive up in the yard, get out of the car and inhale the perfume of the manure pile.

You talk to the horses like they were kids.

The only picture you have of your spouse just happens to have been taken the one (and only) time you let him/her ride your horse.

You hate posing for pictures unless you're on your horse.

You chirp, cluck or kiss to your truck/car.

You don't notice the barn smells on your clothes/shoes and wonder why "regular" folks are sniffing the air when you walk up.

Most of your social life is with other horse folk.

You known more about equine nutrition than human nutrition. Just ask your kids.

All your clothes have horsehair on them, even if they've never been worn to the barn.

You choose which clothes to buy on the basis of whether or not you can wash horse slobber/manure out of them.

You get out of your warm bed at 3:00 AM, and go outside to bring the horses in because it's raining. If that's not enough, you even dry them off a little, before going back to bed.

You giggle when your braiding you're horse's tail and he/she passes wind in your face.

You get your income tax refund and the first thing you do is head for the tack shop.

Every time you go to the stable, it takes 3 hours and you can't imagine where the time went.

Your car is the only one in the company parking lot that has an inch of dust INSIDE and when you open the door, a swarm of flies emerge.

The first bills you pay each month are all horse related.

You don't really *need* a phone anyway (unless you have to call the vet; oops, better pay that one).

You choose your new dog by which breed is best with horses.

You always have new foal pictures in your wallet.

AIN'T HORSE LIFE GRAND?

Laws?

"In a Wyoming county, no female shall ride a horse while attired in a bathing suit within the boundaries of Riverton, unless she is escorted by at least 2 officers of the law or she be armed with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90lbs. and exceeding 200lbs.

"It's illegal in Marion, SC to tickle a female under her chin with a feather duster to get her attention while she's riding a horse."

"It is strictly against the law in Bicknell, Indiana, for a man to leave his new bride alone and go riding with his pals on his wedding day. The penalty is one week in jail."

Thank you to Steph for submitting the above.

Cute Horse Drawings Horses Gallop....   ~___/>      ~___/>    ~___/>       ~___/>     <<   />        <<  >     ((    ))          //      \\ Horses Canter....   ~___/>    ~___/>    ~___/>    ~___/>        \<  )\       |\  |  )       /|   /  \       / \   |  \ Horses Trot....          ~___/>    ~___/>     ~___/>     ~___/>             /<   >\     <\   />         /<  />        />  >\ Horses Walk...          ~___/>   ~___/>    ~___/>    ~___/>            | )  /\       /\   /\            /  \  /\       /\  /  \ Horses Stand....     ~___/>       ||   || Horses Roll....        _\/  \/                \> Horses Eat....      ~___/>          ||   || [##] Horses Rear....     ~___/>       //   > Horses Kick & Buck....    ~___/>       <<  \\ Horses Sleep....                             ~___/> z z z z Z.........                             <<  > Some Horses Can Do Dressage....     ~___(\     ~___(\       | >  |>      /<  >\ And Jumping Too....                           ~___/>           ~___/>    <<  >       ~___/>             //  >      |=====|    <<    \\ Horses Do A Lot Of Horsie Things....     /)___~       ||    || But The Most Special Horsie Thing That Horses Do....   ~___(\     ||    || Is That Horses Love Us Too!!!!                             0                            <|>  <\ __~                              ||       ||  || Thank you to Steph for submitting the above.

Looney Laws In Fountain Inn SC - horses must wear pants at all times. SC state law - Horses may not be kept in bathtubs. Thank you to Kimberly for submitting the above. Blonde Joke Hear about the blonde who tried playing water polo? She drowned her horse! Thank you to Pamela for submitting the above. 20 New Euphemisms for falling off 1. A Farewell to Fine Leather 2. Vulture Baiting 3. Incoming!! 4. Turf Surfing 5. Pushing Down Daisies 6. Spontaneous Retrograde 7. Loosing the Oxer Lottery 8. Studying Impact Craters at Close Range 9. Insufficient Flapping 10. A Richter-Scale-5 Spot Check 11. Seeing if the Judge Was Paying Attention 12. A Quick Trip to Dirtsville 13. Journey to the Center of the Earth 14. Checking your Girth from the Bottom 15. Needing X-Rays at X 16. Spending Quality Time With Gravity 17. Lunching at Ouch Cafe 18. High-Fiveing a Nightcrawler 19. Dirt for Dessert 20. Joining the Airborne Equitation International (known as = AAEEEEEEEEI!) Thank you to Pamela for submitting the above.